I wrote this a few weeks ago and never posted it. I am in no way asking for sympathy or trying to cause guilt in any of the people I love who are carrying or have had healthy pregnancies and babies. This is merely my life experience, obviously being told through my own humanity. :-)
This blog title has been in my head for over a week and I have no idea why. I'm not sure what I have to say that even remotely calls for it. But here I am, emptying my brain into a blog post. Come what may.
I was not expecting for the emotions from the loss of my two babies this past fall to keep popping up at random. Catching me off guard and threatening to reduce me to tears. (Oh, how I hate crying!) Today it was the announcement from a relative of, that they are expecting a boy. We were due only weeks apart. My sister, who was also due within weeks of me, speaking excitedly, and not so excitedly, about baby moving all around and the aches and pains that come with carrying and supporting new life. While I am so very happy for them, truly, against my will my mind says "that should be you too"... "you would be able to feel baby moving within you by now"... "you'd be this many weeks along"... "you'd be finding out what the sex of baby would be right now"...
Probably one of the harder things I have had to do to date... was to go visit my good friend and her brand new baby boy in the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go see them. I am so happy for them, and their baby is so gorgeous and sweet... but my mind says "this should have been you in a few months..." and on the drive home there was nothing I could do to keep the tears from falling.
I went for my follow up appointment this past week, walking into that office, the sights, sounds, smells... it all came rushing back... last time I was there I sat in a haze of mental and emotional pain... this time I sat there and watched an expectant mom and her family overjoyed to just have learned that they were having a girl. Gazed with alarming envy at the swollen tummy's surrounding me... and being acutely aware of the emptiness of my own...
I had 11 vials of blood drawn that day. Testing for a variety of clotting disorders and other things that might cause miscarriages and are detectable in a persons blood. The few test results that have come back so far are normal... if they all come back normal that would indicate that my issues would be uterine scarring. Virtually unfixable.
The thought of moving on. Having the heart to say, "Your will not mine". Surrender. These are definitely a hard things for me. Do you ever just wish that you could have a tiny peek at the future? Just a glimpse? That you could just get answers to some, just a tiny few, of the whys right now?
So anyways, that is where we are right now, physically and mentally, for those of you that are following. <3
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Thanks?
Today has been one of "those" days... the kind that begins at 3am, with child #1 and a croup-like cough. You stick them in bed with you where they continue to cough and keep you awake till you finally decide that it's "morning" enough to get out of bed.
You do do all of those things that have to be done in the morning, waking up children #1 and #2, who don't want to be awake because of the late hour they were up till the night before, with a grumbly, draggy, sluggish attitude. You pack up lunches, yelling at child #2 to please put her pants on and come eat her breakfast whilst trying to comb out child #1's matted bedhead. Finally you tell everyone to get their backpacks, shoes, coats, and breakfast and just get in the car. You do this not one, not two, but three times. I practice the 7's times tables with #1 in the car between telling #2 to PLEASE stop wiping your syrupy hands on the seat!!! Arriving at school I sincerely tell #1 and #2 that I DO love them and to have a good day- and to #2, don't get any reminders! As I pull away and they walk into school I want to scream, #2 has NO coat on. Seeing as it was only 30 degrees out, a good mother would probably have rummaged around in the car, found a jacket, turned around and taken it in to her child... I've never claimed to be a good mother....
Upon arriving home I try to do an exercise DVD first thing, get it over with so I can continue on with more pleasant tasks for the day... like laundry. #3 doesn't feel well today and just wants to be close to me. I don't know about you but I find that doing pushups with a 30lbs child on your back is hard. But hey, I AM the one with the "If they helped you get you in the condition you're in, why not use them to help ya get you out." saying, so pushups with a thirty pound monkey on my back it is.
Laundry. I am always behind on that stuff. Like I can't ever just be caught up! My goal for the day, kinda, was to get it done. Well... it is now 5:15pm and... the "last" load is in the washer... however, it's almost jammy time... which means... another load of dirty laundry sitting in the hall... >.<
Between laundry, dishes, vacuuming and a child that insists on being held, I get some dinner going in one of my besties, Crockpot. Nice chilly day for soup! Mmm! It will be so nice to have this good, hot, soup ready so we can all just sit down for dinner this evening. I'm doing good! <pat on the back> I have a few minutes so changing the left brake light bulb on my car seems like a good idea. I'm handy like that... sometimes. And I don't want to be pulled over for it again. Ick. I am so very irritated to discover that it is not merely a bulb problem, but is something way beyond my handy abilities to fix. Grumble, grumble. I am soooo getting a ticket for this stupid brake light being out. Mark my words.
I go to fetch my #1 and #2 from school, in stealth, cop avoiding mode. I need to be there early so my coatless #2 doesn't stand in the cold and freeze to death. Hooray! No reminders today! Homework went without a hitch. Sweet! Apparently the entire 1st grade class flunked last weeks spelling test so we're doing a repeat. Hmm... I forgot... or never knew... that my husband wasn't going to be home for dinner. If I had remembered... or known... I probably wouldn't have went through the trouble of filling Crockpot up with all that delicious soup. Oh well, the children and I will do our best to put a dent in it. Guess what! #2 apparently "hates this nasty, old, gross soup"... as does #3... something about the carrots being "matchstick" style vs. "chips"... sounds like crap to me, but hey, if she doesn't want soup then she can just eat the leftover scraps out of her lunchbox! (Not a good mom...)
I'm not sure what the point of this post was going to be... I will blame that on not getting much sleep last night. I think, because of the title, that I was going to tie it in with being thankful and grateful for things in my life like having laundry, having a car, having soup- even if it has "matchstick" carrots in it. Being grateful that I have children, even if they don't always listen and hate my cooking. I really hope that maybe someday, instead of being grumbly, and complaining about all the things that are "wrong" I can start focusing on the things that are right and good. I know I am blessed and that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. So act like it!
Well, I'm off to enjoy this rare evening with no extra-curricular activities, with my children. I truly am thankful for that!
You do do all of those things that have to be done in the morning, waking up children #1 and #2, who don't want to be awake because of the late hour they were up till the night before, with a grumbly, draggy, sluggish attitude. You pack up lunches, yelling at child #2 to please put her pants on and come eat her breakfast whilst trying to comb out child #1's matted bedhead. Finally you tell everyone to get their backpacks, shoes, coats, and breakfast and just get in the car. You do this not one, not two, but three times. I practice the 7's times tables with #1 in the car between telling #2 to PLEASE stop wiping your syrupy hands on the seat!!! Arriving at school I sincerely tell #1 and #2 that I DO love them and to have a good day- and to #2, don't get any reminders! As I pull away and they walk into school I want to scream, #2 has NO coat on. Seeing as it was only 30 degrees out, a good mother would probably have rummaged around in the car, found a jacket, turned around and taken it in to her child... I've never claimed to be a good mother....
Upon arriving home I try to do an exercise DVD first thing, get it over with so I can continue on with more pleasant tasks for the day... like laundry. #3 doesn't feel well today and just wants to be close to me. I don't know about you but I find that doing pushups with a 30lbs child on your back is hard. But hey, I AM the one with the "If they helped you get you in the condition you're in, why not use them to help ya get you out." saying, so pushups with a thirty pound monkey on my back it is.
Laundry. I am always behind on that stuff. Like I can't ever just be caught up! My goal for the day, kinda, was to get it done. Well... it is now 5:15pm and... the "last" load is in the washer... however, it's almost jammy time... which means... another load of dirty laundry sitting in the hall... >.<
Between laundry, dishes, vacuuming and a child that insists on being held, I get some dinner going in one of my besties, Crockpot. Nice chilly day for soup! Mmm! It will be so nice to have this good, hot, soup ready so we can all just sit down for dinner this evening. I'm doing good! <pat on the back> I have a few minutes so changing the left brake light bulb on my car seems like a good idea. I'm handy like that... sometimes. And I don't want to be pulled over for it again. Ick. I am so very irritated to discover that it is not merely a bulb problem, but is something way beyond my handy abilities to fix. Grumble, grumble. I am soooo getting a ticket for this stupid brake light being out. Mark my words.
I go to fetch my #1 and #2 from school, in stealth, cop avoiding mode. I need to be there early so my coatless #2 doesn't stand in the cold and freeze to death. Hooray! No reminders today! Homework went without a hitch. Sweet! Apparently the entire 1st grade class flunked last weeks spelling test so we're doing a repeat. Hmm... I forgot... or never knew... that my husband wasn't going to be home for dinner. If I had remembered... or known... I probably wouldn't have went through the trouble of filling Crockpot up with all that delicious soup. Oh well, the children and I will do our best to put a dent in it. Guess what! #2 apparently "hates this nasty, old, gross soup"... as does #3... something about the carrots being "matchstick" style vs. "chips"... sounds like crap to me, but hey, if she doesn't want soup then she can just eat the leftover scraps out of her lunchbox! (Not a good mom...)
I'm not sure what the point of this post was going to be... I will blame that on not getting much sleep last night. I think, because of the title, that I was going to tie it in with being thankful and grateful for things in my life like having laundry, having a car, having soup- even if it has "matchstick" carrots in it. Being grateful that I have children, even if they don't always listen and hate my cooking. I really hope that maybe someday, instead of being grumbly, and complaining about all the things that are "wrong" I can start focusing on the things that are right and good. I know I am blessed and that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. So act like it!
Well, I'm off to enjoy this rare evening with no extra-curricular activities, with my children. I truly am thankful for that!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Of Love and Sharpies
Last night I had told the girls to go to their room, tidy up and get their jammies on. A little while later I took some laundry in to put away and there was Mia, laying on the floor, no jammies on, doodling away with a Sharpie. My immediate reaction was irritation and frustration. Mia! What are you DOING?! Where are your pajamas and what are you doing with that SHARPIE?! Give it to me and get your pajamas on NOW. And I huffed out. Why can't my kids just listen to me? It's getting late and I'm tired!
When I went to climb into bed later that evening, there on my pillow was this.
My heart broke and tears sprang to my eyes. She had only been trying to tell me she loved me. She was trying to show me she loved me, and I yelled at her. What is wrong with me that I am so blind or caught up in myself and what I want to be doing- or not doing, that I could overlook something so huge? I should have taken her into my arms right then and there and told her how much I loved her too. How much I treasure her. And then, in a nice tone reminded her to get her jammies on. :-)
I am aware that I do this a lot, I fail so many times, but last night really struck home. Help me Jesus, help me to be aware and take advantage of these moments I'm given. Not to let my own selfishness and frustrations get in the way. I only get one chance with these children that I love. If I don't make the most of it, how foolish and wasteful is that? Help me to notice and make the most of the little things, the moments that are flying by all to fast.
When I went to climb into bed later that evening, there on my pillow was this.
My heart broke and tears sprang to my eyes. She had only been trying to tell me she loved me. She was trying to show me she loved me, and I yelled at her. What is wrong with me that I am so blind or caught up in myself and what I want to be doing- or not doing, that I could overlook something so huge? I should have taken her into my arms right then and there and told her how much I loved her too. How much I treasure her. And then, in a nice tone reminded her to get her jammies on. :-)
I am aware that I do this a lot, I fail so many times, but last night really struck home. Help me Jesus, help me to be aware and take advantage of these moments I'm given. Not to let my own selfishness and frustrations get in the way. I only get one chance with these children that I love. If I don't make the most of it, how foolish and wasteful is that? Help me to notice and make the most of the little things, the moments that are flying by all to fast.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Nonstalgia
I was considering things in life this morning and my parents came to my mind. My parents fell in love and got hitched at the ripe old ages of 17 and 18. That was way back in 1975 and they are still going strong... um... 36 years later? Math has never been my strong suit... As I was thinking about their lives and legacy I was struck by the things in life that they endured together. They have had 9 kids together, 5 boys, 4 girls. My oldest brother Nathan was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor at age 2. The surgery to remove that tumor and the harsh treatments trying to get the cancer under control left my brother with mental and physical handicaps. My mom once told me, "They took my baby into the operating room that day and brought me out a completely different boy." I can't imagine... looking at my own little two year old son, how can you survive that? He was the brother I knew though, and I loved him, to me he was just "Nathan". We had a special game that we played together, it was just ours and I will cherish the memories of it forever. We called it "Bear and Nancy". :-) 13 years later the brain cancer returned, this time it was inoperable and claimed his life in 6 months time. Pearl Harbor Day, December 7, 1992 . I was 12. He got to pass away at home, on the living room couch surrounded by his family. I will never, ever forget the men that came and them taking his body away. I thought about what Nat had said to our dad weeks before, when he was still able to talk... "Dad, don't be sad, I'm not afraid, I'm going to be with Jesus." I didn't cry at his funeral, and made a vow to never cry again.
In the meantime my mommy's own health was deteriorating. She has some kind of undiagnosed autoimmune disease that has attacked every joint in her body. She has lived in severe pain for years. She did end up getting joint replacements in most of her larger joints and is able to walk fairly well these days but the toll that that has taken on her is irreversible. In spite of this she never really complained and choose to continue to homeschool all of us. I never doubted my parents love for me. I feel like it was very evident in the course of our daily lives. I will never, ever doubt that they did the very best they could to raise us.
Maybe, perhaps, I look at my growing up life through rose colored glasses but when I think about it these days it's mostly all warm fuzzies! I grew up on a "hobby farm", meaning it was more of a hobby, mainly to supplement our family, than to make a profit. I love to think back to working the farm with my brothers and sisters. I know I whined a lot back then, I never wanted to weed mile long rows of green beans in the blazing hot sun... but what would I give to do that right now? Having earthworm fights with my brothers and being covered in dirt from head to toe? I know I complained when the Saturday to "do chickens" (no, not that) came around. But seriously, how many of you can dress out 10 chickens in an hour? And my oh my, fresh fried chicken? NOTHING like it. We canned our produce together as a family, we ate dinner together as a family... we were a family, we were love.
I grew up on about 7 acres with two ponds. We ran barefoot and wild in those woods and fields all summer long. We'd hunt for snakes for hours. We'd have contests to see who could drag the biggest snapping turtle out of the pond muck... Wintertime meant family Friday's in front of the fireplace. Nearly every Friday evening when the weather was cold we'd stoke up the fire and roast hotdogs, followed by some old black and white movie...
I realize this is probably a pretty disjointed blog entry but I think really disjointedly most of the time. I guess that I just hope that someday my own children will look back as fondly on their childhoods as I do on mine. And yeah, I'm just going to say it, one of my biggest regrets in my life is that my own children aren't able to be near their grandparents and know them... Sunday's fried chicken dinner as one big family, all the marrieds, all the grandchildren... and that I'm so far away that it's hard for them to impart their wisdom to me. Lord knows I need it!
In the meantime my mommy's own health was deteriorating. She has some kind of undiagnosed autoimmune disease that has attacked every joint in her body. She has lived in severe pain for years. She did end up getting joint replacements in most of her larger joints and is able to walk fairly well these days but the toll that that has taken on her is irreversible. In spite of this she never really complained and choose to continue to homeschool all of us. I never doubted my parents love for me. I feel like it was very evident in the course of our daily lives. I will never, ever doubt that they did the very best they could to raise us.
Maybe, perhaps, I look at my growing up life through rose colored glasses but when I think about it these days it's mostly all warm fuzzies! I grew up on a "hobby farm", meaning it was more of a hobby, mainly to supplement our family, than to make a profit. I love to think back to working the farm with my brothers and sisters. I know I whined a lot back then, I never wanted to weed mile long rows of green beans in the blazing hot sun... but what would I give to do that right now? Having earthworm fights with my brothers and being covered in dirt from head to toe? I know I complained when the Saturday to "do chickens" (no, not that) came around. But seriously, how many of you can dress out 10 chickens in an hour? And my oh my, fresh fried chicken? NOTHING like it. We canned our produce together as a family, we ate dinner together as a family... we were a family, we were love.
I grew up on about 7 acres with two ponds. We ran barefoot and wild in those woods and fields all summer long. We'd hunt for snakes for hours. We'd have contests to see who could drag the biggest snapping turtle out of the pond muck... Wintertime meant family Friday's in front of the fireplace. Nearly every Friday evening when the weather was cold we'd stoke up the fire and roast hotdogs, followed by some old black and white movie...
I realize this is probably a pretty disjointed blog entry but I think really disjointedly most of the time. I guess that I just hope that someday my own children will look back as fondly on their childhoods as I do on mine. And yeah, I'm just going to say it, one of my biggest regrets in my life is that my own children aren't able to be near their grandparents and know them... Sunday's fried chicken dinner as one big family, all the marrieds, all the grandchildren... and that I'm so far away that it's hard for them to impart their wisdom to me. Lord knows I need it!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Introducing... -drum roll please-
I wanted to take some time to introduce you to my children. If you're reading this there's a good chance you already know them, but hey, it's my blog and I can blog about them if I wanna. :-) If you know me you know I'm crazy about these kids of mine. I love to be with them as much as possible (however that doesn't mean that I don't like bed time just as much as everyone else.:-)) and I'm the mom dreading the beginning of the school year when my little darlings are away from me for 6 something hours. I also want to throw out there that I know I'm not a "good" mom and will probably never win any awards- after all, good mommies don't let their children eat popsicles for breakfast, don't throw a towel over peed sheets at 2 am and climb back into bed. A good mom would never let her child go to school unprepared for a spelling test, or on occasion find herself telling her children to "just wipe your snot on your sleeve!", or bribing good behavior out of them with candy... Any ways moving on...
Sierra Faith is my firstborn. She was a dream come true, I became a mommy! Sierra is my social butterfly. Talks to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. At the gym where she takes gymnastics we had a meeting the other evening. Whilst introducing ourselves and saying what child we belonged to I was met with many, "Oh you're Sierra's mom!" "We know Sierra!" Yep, that's her. She just loves people and always wants them to be happy. If it is in her power to give her upset brother and sister something they're crying about she will. Even if the something they want is hers and something she really treasures. Melts my heart. As previously stated, she takes gymnastics and also horseback riding, and loves both equally. She is an tad bit drama queen but seldom ever gets into big trouble. Never ever comes home from school with "reminders". She is easily corrected for transgressions, has a sweet spirit and usually aims to please. She is a huge helper at home and loves her younger siblings very much. I can always count on her to do whatever needs to be done, she's quite mature and reliable I think. Now if we could get rid of some of the sass...
Mia Grace. Oh Mia. Second born she has typical 2nd born traits... which I have some understanding of being a second born girl myself. She is inquisitive and has understanding and knowledge of some of the deeper things in life. While she has the sweetest, tender heart ever she also has this defiant streak that sometimes pops out of nowhere and catches her mother by surprise. Her mind is always thinking, which can get her into trouble because while you are pondering the deeper things in life you can sometimes to forget to actually do your math... and maybe even your spelling. She love creatures. All creatures, big ones, small ones, cute ones, ugly ones. You can often find her carrying around and exclaiming in awe about a hideous bug, or reptile, which we in turn have to research on the internet. This year she is also taking gymnastics, which she enjoys, but I think soccer might be more up her alley.
Truxton Noble. My little lover! Snuggley and squishy, at age two still lets me hold him and squeeze him. He is all boy though. Every object, be it stick, pebble, fork, carrot, it's turned into a rocket ship, gun, or other weapon of mass destruction in his vivid imagination. He loves big trucks, trains, fire engines, bulldozers... we have to stop to check out big, loud equipment doing it's work sometimes cause it's just so cool! No really, I love seeing his eyes light up and just the wonderment in his face. He's my little sidekick, we go everywhere together. Shuttling his big sisters around and whatnot. He's my big helper at the grocery store, is very efficient at getting all of our items out of the cart and up on the belt to be checked out. He also has taken over the job of unloading the clean (and sometimes dirty) flatware out the dishwasher and putting it in the drawer. He can't wait till he's big enough to play soccer. He likes to eat shrimp and mushrooms but refuses to eat macaroni and cheese. He adores his big sisters and is already very protective of them.
So I could on and on about my babies all day long, but there they are in a nutshell. And while I'm not a "good" mommy, I think that if my children can grow up and just know with their whole hearts that their mommy loves them and that Jesus loves them, and always will no matter what, I will consider that an achievement. I will sign off with the lyrics of a song I really like and relate to very much.:-)
"If I Could"
If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes, I would
If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go
If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could
If I live
In a time and place where you don't want to be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday
Won't have to be your way
If I knew
I'd have tried to change the world I brought to you to
And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would
If I could...
Oh baby... mummy wants to protect you
And help my baby through the hungry years
Cause you're part of me
And if you ever... ever need
Sad shoulder to cry on
I'm just someone to talk to
I'll be there... I'll be there
I didn't change your world
But I would
If I Could
Sierra Faith is my firstborn. She was a dream come true, I became a mommy! Sierra is my social butterfly. Talks to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. At the gym where she takes gymnastics we had a meeting the other evening. Whilst introducing ourselves and saying what child we belonged to I was met with many, "Oh you're Sierra's mom!" "We know Sierra!" Yep, that's her. She just loves people and always wants them to be happy. If it is in her power to give her upset brother and sister something they're crying about she will. Even if the something they want is hers and something she really treasures. Melts my heart. As previously stated, she takes gymnastics and also horseback riding, and loves both equally. She is an tad bit drama queen but seldom ever gets into big trouble. Never ever comes home from school with "reminders". She is easily corrected for transgressions, has a sweet spirit and usually aims to please. She is a huge helper at home and loves her younger siblings very much. I can always count on her to do whatever needs to be done, she's quite mature and reliable I think. Now if we could get rid of some of the sass...
Mia Grace. Oh Mia. Second born she has typical 2nd born traits... which I have some understanding of being a second born girl myself. She is inquisitive and has understanding and knowledge of some of the deeper things in life. While she has the sweetest, tender heart ever she also has this defiant streak that sometimes pops out of nowhere and catches her mother by surprise. Her mind is always thinking, which can get her into trouble because while you are pondering the deeper things in life you can sometimes to forget to actually do your math... and maybe even your spelling. She love creatures. All creatures, big ones, small ones, cute ones, ugly ones. You can often find her carrying around and exclaiming in awe about a hideous bug, or reptile, which we in turn have to research on the internet. This year she is also taking gymnastics, which she enjoys, but I think soccer might be more up her alley.
Truxton Noble. My little lover! Snuggley and squishy, at age two still lets me hold him and squeeze him. He is all boy though. Every object, be it stick, pebble, fork, carrot, it's turned into a rocket ship, gun, or other weapon of mass destruction in his vivid imagination. He loves big trucks, trains, fire engines, bulldozers... we have to stop to check out big, loud equipment doing it's work sometimes cause it's just so cool! No really, I love seeing his eyes light up and just the wonderment in his face. He's my little sidekick, we go everywhere together. Shuttling his big sisters around and whatnot. He's my big helper at the grocery store, is very efficient at getting all of our items out of the cart and up on the belt to be checked out. He also has taken over the job of unloading the clean (and sometimes dirty) flatware out the dishwasher and putting it in the drawer. He can't wait till he's big enough to play soccer. He likes to eat shrimp and mushrooms but refuses to eat macaroni and cheese. He adores his big sisters and is already very protective of them.
So I could on and on about my babies all day long, but there they are in a nutshell. And while I'm not a "good" mommy, I think that if my children can grow up and just know with their whole hearts that their mommy loves them and that Jesus loves them, and always will no matter what, I will consider that an achievement. I will sign off with the lyrics of a song I really like and relate to very much.:-)
"If I Could"
If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would
If I could
I would teach you all the things I've never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned
Yes, I would
If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I've watched you grow
So I could let you go
If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would
If I could
If I live
In a time and place where you don't want to be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday
Won't have to be your way
If I knew
I'd have tried to change the world I brought to you to
And there isn't very much that I can do
But I would
If I could...
Oh baby... mummy wants to protect you
And help my baby through the hungry years
Cause you're part of me
And if you ever... ever need
Sad shoulder to cry on
I'm just someone to talk to
I'll be there... I'll be there
I didn't change your world
But I would
If I Could
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I blogged for many years (you can find them here http://greeniblonde.xanga.com/) but haven't done so in the past few. However, within the past few months I have had several requests to start up again. So here I am. Take me as I am. :-)
I guess I will start with the past several months that have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. As some of you may know, I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of August. Surprise! We told nearly the whole world and were getting excited and quite used to the idea. After all, I have always want to have at least 4! :-) August 23 came around and was a big day here in my life, school started, we had an earthquake and... I started spotting. At first I wasn't really worried, lots of people spot in early pregnancy, right? No big deal, I'll just go to the Dr. and get some reassurance. Wrong, it turns out I was having my second miscarriage. Devastating. After all only one in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so since I had had one years ago, between my girls I should be safe!
See, I don't know if many of you think about it much or if you're like me, but from the moment I find out I'm are carrying another life I change gears. No caffeine, no ibuprofen, planning for the future, we'll need to be getting a bigger car etc. And for me it is extremely difficult to switch back to I am no longer pregnant gear. When you miscarry they monitor your blood to make sure your pregnancy hormones are dropping back down to "less than 5". This requires your blood to be drawn every few days. September 14th I had my blood taken and was back down to the less than 5.
Around the weekend of September 24th I started feeling really... well, pregnant. I didn't know how that could be possible, I had just had my blood drawn and it was at less than 5! But I got a box of those lovely tests anyways and SURPRISE, two blue lines! Say wha'?! Yes, I did end up using the whole box of 3, same blue lines on all. So I called my Dr. of course, to explain my sitch, they told me that hCG can stay in your urine for up to 6 weeks after pregnancy ends, so I was most likely getting a false positive from the miscarriage. But I went in for another blood test, just to be sure. Emotional roller coaster. Guess what?! My hCG was at 2100. I was pregnant again! I was so excited! Cautiously excited. More blood work, this time to make sure my hCG was increasing, and it did. A sonogram to see what was going on in there, and there it was. Most beautiful little black circle on a field of gray ever, measuring 5 weeks. I went home excited and nervous to wait for the next two weeks to go by so that we could see if this pregnancy was continuing to progress.
I felt wonderful physically. Not too tired, not too sick. Which made me a bit uneasy because with my three surviving pregnancies I was desperately ill. But hey, I've now had two miscarriages, what are the odds? We'll be fine, I'm just lucky this time around.
October 17. Sonogram day! So nervous but also excited to see what is going on in there. My womb was growing so I knew baby had to be growing too! And there it was. My beautiful, precious little bean, heart beating 143, measuring 7 weeks 3 days. Perfect. I was over the moon! After you see your baby's heart beating the chance of miscarriage decreases to 3%. What a huge relief!
The next morning, October 18, I started spotting. Just barely. You know, this is fine. We are fine. We had a perfect, healthy baby yesterday. People spot during the first trimester all the time. We are fine. But I'll call the Dr. for some reassurance. Reassured, we moved forward. Thursday the spotting changed. My nurse, I LOVE her, told me to come in just so we can make sure everything is okay, and to give me even more reassurance. I need a lot of that stuff sometimes.
I climbed up on the table for the sonographer to do her thing, and that is when my world fell apart once again. There was no heart beat. How could that be? How? I will never claim to be a saint by any means. I get angry with God. I question Him. I don't understand why He does things. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I love this baby. How could You do this to me again? You're taking 2 babies from me in 3 months time? How am I supposed to deal with this? I am not strong enough, please don't make me! Do you know what He had the audacity to say to me? "Trust me". You have got to be kidding. "Will I ever make you walk through something I won't give you the strength to handle?" Ugh. I didn't exactly fall apart right then and there like I had done the last time I found out my baby was gone. I think the staff appreciated that. But I must have been freaking them out a little, I was stunned. They told me I had to see a Dr. that day but I could leave and come back in 30 minutes. Go get a grip girl! Let me just tell you right here, I highly recommend Montgomery OBGYN. Their staff, namely my nurse Tessa and my sonographer Tasha, are wonderful, wonderful people. My actual Dr. even gave me her cell phone number, so I could get a hold of her day or night.
I opted to continue to miscarry naturally. I'd done it twice before. I'd rather go that route then the D & C which sounds terrifying just by it's name (Dilatation and Curettage, yikes!), or the pill route which sounds more painful and dreadful. I just felt like I needed to do this naturally for my sake as well, closure I guess. I was given a prescription for pain meds and went home to mourn the loss of my 3rd little angel baby.
I thought I knew what to expect. I was so very wrong. See, miscarrying at nearly 8 weeks is waaaaaaay different than miscarrying earlier, at least in my case, you have a placenta and everything by then! They had talked about "cramping". Yes, okay, I know what that is. They didn't tell me that you actually labor. So Saturday evening when my contractions were 3 minutes apart for nearly 4 hours I thought I was dying. Pain meds did nothing. At the end of that I passed everything, all at once, all together. Wow. Growing a baby is a miracle. I don't mean to sound demented, but honestly, going through that, seeing that, you can't help but know that there is a God. Even if I am feeling like He's such a meanie.
So today I'm alive. My heart still hurts. At moments I don't know how I'm going to survive. The emotional pain overwhelms me. Yesterday marked a week since I'd seen my baby, heard it's little heart beating. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how you're supposed to feel when you feel like your body is betraying you. They're thinking that my problems might be caused from scarring due to the trauma of Truxton's abruption and birth.
I do trust God. I really do. And I know, that at some point, I will be able to say, not thru gritted teeth, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
Love you all. <3
I guess I will start with the past several months that have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. As some of you may know, I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of August. Surprise! We told nearly the whole world and were getting excited and quite used to the idea. After all, I have always want to have at least 4! :-) August 23 came around and was a big day here in my life, school started, we had an earthquake and... I started spotting. At first I wasn't really worried, lots of people spot in early pregnancy, right? No big deal, I'll just go to the Dr. and get some reassurance. Wrong, it turns out I was having my second miscarriage. Devastating. After all only one in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so since I had had one years ago, between my girls I should be safe!
See, I don't know if many of you think about it much or if you're like me, but from the moment I find out I'm are carrying another life I change gears. No caffeine, no ibuprofen, planning for the future, we'll need to be getting a bigger car etc. And for me it is extremely difficult to switch back to I am no longer pregnant gear. When you miscarry they monitor your blood to make sure your pregnancy hormones are dropping back down to "less than 5". This requires your blood to be drawn every few days. September 14th I had my blood taken and was back down to the less than 5.
Around the weekend of September 24th I started feeling really... well, pregnant. I didn't know how that could be possible, I had just had my blood drawn and it was at less than 5! But I got a box of those lovely tests anyways and SURPRISE, two blue lines! Say wha'?! Yes, I did end up using the whole box of 3, same blue lines on all. So I called my Dr. of course, to explain my sitch, they told me that hCG can stay in your urine for up to 6 weeks after pregnancy ends, so I was most likely getting a false positive from the miscarriage. But I went in for another blood test, just to be sure. Emotional roller coaster. Guess what?! My hCG was at 2100. I was pregnant again! I was so excited! Cautiously excited. More blood work, this time to make sure my hCG was increasing, and it did. A sonogram to see what was going on in there, and there it was. Most beautiful little black circle on a field of gray ever, measuring 5 weeks. I went home excited and nervous to wait for the next two weeks to go by so that we could see if this pregnancy was continuing to progress.
I felt wonderful physically. Not too tired, not too sick. Which made me a bit uneasy because with my three surviving pregnancies I was desperately ill. But hey, I've now had two miscarriages, what are the odds? We'll be fine, I'm just lucky this time around.
October 17. Sonogram day! So nervous but also excited to see what is going on in there. My womb was growing so I knew baby had to be growing too! And there it was. My beautiful, precious little bean, heart beating 143, measuring 7 weeks 3 days. Perfect. I was over the moon! After you see your baby's heart beating the chance of miscarriage decreases to 3%. What a huge relief!
The next morning, October 18, I started spotting. Just barely. You know, this is fine. We are fine. We had a perfect, healthy baby yesterday. People spot during the first trimester all the time. We are fine. But I'll call the Dr. for some reassurance. Reassured, we moved forward. Thursday the spotting changed. My nurse, I LOVE her, told me to come in just so we can make sure everything is okay, and to give me even more reassurance. I need a lot of that stuff sometimes.
I climbed up on the table for the sonographer to do her thing, and that is when my world fell apart once again. There was no heart beat. How could that be? How? I will never claim to be a saint by any means. I get angry with God. I question Him. I don't understand why He does things. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I love this baby. How could You do this to me again? You're taking 2 babies from me in 3 months time? How am I supposed to deal with this? I am not strong enough, please don't make me! Do you know what He had the audacity to say to me? "Trust me". You have got to be kidding. "Will I ever make you walk through something I won't give you the strength to handle?" Ugh. I didn't exactly fall apart right then and there like I had done the last time I found out my baby was gone. I think the staff appreciated that. But I must have been freaking them out a little, I was stunned. They told me I had to see a Dr. that day but I could leave and come back in 30 minutes. Go get a grip girl! Let me just tell you right here, I highly recommend Montgomery OBGYN. Their staff, namely my nurse Tessa and my sonographer Tasha, are wonderful, wonderful people. My actual Dr. even gave me her cell phone number, so I could get a hold of her day or night.
I opted to continue to miscarry naturally. I'd done it twice before. I'd rather go that route then the D & C which sounds terrifying just by it's name (Dilatation and Curettage, yikes!), or the pill route which sounds more painful and dreadful. I just felt like I needed to do this naturally for my sake as well, closure I guess. I was given a prescription for pain meds and went home to mourn the loss of my 3rd little angel baby.
I thought I knew what to expect. I was so very wrong. See, miscarrying at nearly 8 weeks is waaaaaaay different than miscarrying earlier, at least in my case, you have a placenta and everything by then! They had talked about "cramping". Yes, okay, I know what that is. They didn't tell me that you actually labor. So Saturday evening when my contractions were 3 minutes apart for nearly 4 hours I thought I was dying. Pain meds did nothing. At the end of that I passed everything, all at once, all together. Wow. Growing a baby is a miracle. I don't mean to sound demented, but honestly, going through that, seeing that, you can't help but know that there is a God. Even if I am feeling like He's such a meanie.
So today I'm alive. My heart still hurts. At moments I don't know how I'm going to survive. The emotional pain overwhelms me. Yesterday marked a week since I'd seen my baby, heard it's little heart beating. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how you're supposed to feel when you feel like your body is betraying you. They're thinking that my problems might be caused from scarring due to the trauma of Truxton's abruption and birth.
I do trust God. I really do. And I know, that at some point, I will be able to say, not thru gritted teeth, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."
Love you all. <3
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