I blogged for many years (you can find them here http://greeniblonde.xanga.com/) but haven't done so in the past few. However, within the past few months I have had several requests to start up again. So here I am. Take me as I am. :-)

I guess I will start with the past several months that have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. As some of you may know, I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of August. Surprise! We told nearly the whole world and were getting excited and quite used to the idea. After all, I have always want to have at least 4! :-) August 23 came around and was a big day here in my life, school started, we had an earthquake and... I started spotting. At first I wasn't really worried, lots of people spot in early pregnancy, right? No big deal, I'll just go to the Dr. and get some reassurance. Wrong, it turns out I was having my second miscarriage. Devastating. After all only one in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage so since I had had one years ago, between my girls I should be safe!

See, I don't know if many of you think about it much or if you're like me, but from the moment I find out I'm are carrying another life I change gears. No caffeine, no ibuprofen, planning for the future, we'll need to be getting a bigger car etc. And for me it is extremely difficult to switch back to I am no longer pregnant gear. When you miscarry they monitor your blood to make sure your pregnancy hormones are dropping back down to "less than 5". This requires your blood to be drawn every few days. September 14th I had my blood taken and was back down to the less than 5.

Around the weekend of September 24th I started feeling really... well, pregnant. I didn't know how that could be possible, I had just had my blood drawn and it was at less than 5! But I got a box of those lovely tests anyways and SURPRISE, two blue lines! Say wha'?! Yes, I did end up using the whole box of 3, same blue lines on all. So I called my Dr. of course, to explain my sitch, they told me that hCG can stay in your urine for up to 6 weeks after pregnancy ends, so I was most likely getting a false positive from the miscarriage. But I went in for another blood test, just to be sure. Emotional roller coaster. Guess what?! My hCG was at 2100. I was pregnant again! I was so excited! Cautiously excited. More blood work, this time to make sure my hCG was increasing, and it did. A sonogram to see what was going on in there, and there it was. Most beautiful little black circle on a field of gray ever, measuring 5 weeks. I went home excited and nervous to wait for the next two weeks to go by so that we could see if this pregnancy was continuing to progress.

I felt wonderful physically. Not too tired, not too sick. Which made me a bit uneasy because with my three surviving pregnancies I was desperately ill.  But hey, I've now had two miscarriages, what are the odds? We'll be fine, I'm just lucky this time around.

October 17. Sonogram day! So nervous but also excited to see what is going on in there. My womb was growing so I knew baby had to be growing too! And there it was. My beautiful, precious little bean, heart beating 143, measuring 7 weeks 3 days. Perfect. I was over the moon! After you see your baby's heart beating the chance of miscarriage decreases to 3%. What a huge relief!

The next morning, October 18, I started spotting. Just barely. You know, this is fine. We are fine. We had a perfect, healthy baby yesterday. People spot during the first trimester all the time. We are fine. But I'll call the Dr. for some reassurance. Reassured, we moved forward. Thursday the spotting changed. My nurse, I LOVE her, told me to come in just so we can make sure everything is okay, and to give me even more reassurance. I need a lot of that stuff sometimes.

I climbed up on the table for the sonographer to do her thing, and that is when my world fell apart once again. There was no heart beat. How could that be? How? I will never claim to be a saint by any means. I get angry with God. I question Him. I don't understand why He does things. I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I love this baby. How could You do this to me again? You're taking 2 babies from me in 3 months time? How am I supposed to deal with this? I am not strong enough, please don't make me! Do you know what He had the audacity to say to me? "Trust me". You have got to be kidding. "Will I ever make you walk through something I won't give you the strength to handle?" Ugh. I didn't exactly fall apart right then and there like I had done the last time I found out my baby was gone. I think the staff appreciated that. But I must have been freaking them out a little, I was stunned. They told me I had to see a Dr. that day but I could leave and come back in 30 minutes. Go get a grip girl! Let me just tell you right here, I highly recommend Montgomery OBGYN. Their staff, namely my nurse Tessa and my sonographer Tasha, are wonderful, wonderful people. My actual Dr. even gave me her cell phone number, so I could get a hold of her day or night.

I opted to continue to miscarry naturally. I'd done it twice before. I'd rather go that route then the D & C which sounds terrifying just by it's name (Dilatation and Curettage, yikes!), or the pill route which sounds more painful and dreadful. I just felt like I needed to do this naturally for my sake as well, closure I guess. I was given a prescription for pain meds and went home to mourn the loss of my 3rd little angel baby.

I thought I knew what to expect. I was so very wrong. See, miscarrying at nearly 8 weeks is waaaaaaay different than miscarrying earlier, at least in my case, you have a placenta and everything by then! They had talked about "cramping". Yes, okay, I know what that is. They didn't tell me that you actually labor. So Saturday evening when my contractions were 3 minutes apart for nearly 4 hours I thought I was dying. Pain meds did nothing. At the end of that I passed everything, all at once, all together. Wow. Growing a baby is a miracle. I don't mean to sound demented, but honestly, going through that, seeing that, you can't help but know that there is a God. Even if I am feeling like He's such a meanie.

So today I'm alive. My heart still hurts. At moments I don't know how I'm going to survive. The emotional pain overwhelms me. Yesterday marked a week since I'd seen my baby, heard it's little heart beating. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how you're supposed to feel when you feel like your body is betraying you. They're thinking that my problems might be caused from scarring due to the trauma of Truxton's abruption and birth.

I do trust God. I really do. And I know, that at some point, I will be able to say, not thru gritted teeth, "It is well, it is well, with my soul."

Love you all. <3