One Year

One year ago this fall is the anniversary of some of the hardest months in my life. I lost two babies back to back through miscarriage. You know what? It still hurts. My arms feel still empty. I still ask why. I still ask why I don't get to know why. I wonder a lot of things... I find my self wondering what in the world God is up to! Why do you allow some people to have their babies and others You take them away? I have friends who are huge advocates for the unborn, one of their callings in life is to speak for those innocent ones who have no voice. Two weeks ago they lost their 21 week prenatal son. Why? My heart aches for my friends that are unable to conceive at all. They are beautiful people that love Jesus. Why would they need to endure that pain? What are we supposed to be learning? Isn't there an easier way to learn it? It makes no sense to my humanity.

Obviously I know truths in my head, but sometimes there's a short circuit to my heart. I know in my head that the loss of my babies is not a punishment from God, but my heart is screaming "What did I do wrong?", "What did I do to deserve this?" And yes, honestly, sometimes I think things like "Why are they so much more deserving than I?"

Life continues on though. One foot in front of the other. The days of one breath to the next get further apart. I love these lyrics by Laura Story:

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy 
 We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Obviously it is so hard for me to not know the whys, it would be so much easier if I was able to get an "OH! That's why this had to happen!" moment. However, for me, I think this might be one of those God sized holes that can not have a satisfactory answer this side of heaven.

Maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
-Matthew West