I wrote this a few weeks ago and never posted it. I am in no way asking for sympathy or trying to cause guilt in any of the people I love who are carrying or have had healthy pregnancies and babies. This is merely my life experience, obviously being told through my own humanity. :-)
This blog title has been in my head for over a week and I have no idea why. I'm not sure what I have to say that even remotely calls for it. But here I am, emptying my brain into a blog post. Come what may.
I was not expecting for the emotions from the loss of my two babies this past fall to keep popping up at random. Catching me off guard and threatening to reduce me to tears. (Oh, how I hate crying!) Today it was the announcement from a relative of, that they are expecting a boy. We were due only weeks apart. My sister, who was also due within weeks of me, speaking excitedly, and not so excitedly, about baby moving all around and the aches and pains that come with carrying and supporting new life. While I am so very happy for them, truly, against my will my mind says "that should be you too"... "you would be able to feel baby moving within you by now"... "you'd be this many weeks along"... "you'd be finding out what the sex of baby would be right now"...
Probably one of the harder things I have had to do to date... was to go visit my good friend and her brand new baby boy in the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go see them. I am so happy for them, and their baby is so gorgeous and sweet... but my mind says "this should have been you in a few months..." and on the drive home there was nothing I could do to keep the tears from falling.
I went for my follow up appointment this past week, walking into that office, the sights, sounds, smells... it all came rushing back... last time I was there I sat in a haze of mental and emotional pain... this time I sat there and watched an expectant mom and her family overjoyed to just have learned that they were having a girl. Gazed with alarming envy at the swollen tummy's surrounding me... and being acutely aware of the emptiness of my own...
I had 11 vials of blood drawn that day. Testing for a variety of clotting disorders and other things that might cause miscarriages and are detectable in a persons blood. The few test results that have come back so far are normal... if they all come back normal that would indicate that my issues would be uterine scarring. Virtually unfixable.
The thought of moving on. Having the heart to say, "Your will not mine". Surrender. These are definitely a hard things for me. Do you ever just wish that you could have a tiny peek at the future? Just a glimpse? That you could just get answers to some, just a tiny few, of the whys right now?
So anyways, that is where we are right now, physically and mentally, for those of you that are following. <3
